Emotional Banking
Every year for the past 25 years, I have continued to reflect on working with the students in the school where I am and what this means for staff, parents and the wider community. What are the unique challenges, characteristics and strategies for forming relationships and fostering the education of young people?
As a parent and an educator, there are many inter-changeable strategies. We are constantly dealing with issues of both a positive and negative nature.
I constantly ask myself, how do I effectively address issues without damaging the relationships with students, staff and indeed sometimes, parents.
I have a philosophy with students and colleagues of trying to build an emotional bank account. If I can possibly help someone or if I have the opportunity to recognise some good work or great achievement, I do. I like to think of this as making a positive deposit into a student’s or colleague’s emotional bank account. Having made these ‘investments’ I am more easily able to address issues knowing I have ‘money in the bank.’ This philosophy applies equally to family, friends, students and in the workplace.
So, when dealing with students, what are some of the strategies when addressing issues openly and honestly?
Walk and Talk – This is particularly helpful with boys but often with adolescents in general. We are often more likely to communicate when moving. Kicking a footy, throwing a ball, combining in an activity tends to open up a more natural form of communication. At school, a walk to the LPAC, Taylor-Dostal Oval, roaming during morning tea or lunch time. ‘Stuff’ just comes out of our mouths when we are doing things!
Angles are important and not just in Maths – We all have this innate reaction of fight or flight. Standing directly in front of a child when addressing an issue is inherently confrontational. The reaction evoked will often be ‘fight back’ or withdraw completely from this situation. Standing side by side at 90 degrees or at 45 degrees allows the issue to metaphorically be placed in front of both parties, not between them. This again influences the tone and openness of the conversation.
Perfection is a journey – We shouldn’t expect our kids to be perfect (nor our staff or parents). We should expect them to take responsibility.
It’s our job – As adults, it's our job to ensure we maintain, repair and form appropriate relationships with our children. Adolescents and kids of all ages do not have the maturity or skill set to do this when facing difficult situations. This they learn from their elders.
As I reflect on growing up, I remember that as a young man I always told the absolute truth, never omitted anything and only gave a completely unbiased and accurate version of any negative event or learning experience I was part of... mostly... especially when there was the possibility of being in trouble... or then again, maybe not. Our kids react the same way at times. Our kids have well developed self-protect buttons, often pressed after they’ve used their self-destruct ones. I reflect that these buttons sometimes stay with us for life!
In reality, an important part of growing up and learning was understanding true accountability and taking responsibility for actions. Parents and the College, when working in partnership on these characteristics, form the most powerful foundation for the development of children.
Simon Edgar
Head of Junior School